the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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