Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
