She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
