can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
