and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
