May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
