Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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