dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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