I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
