you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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