God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
