i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
