im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
