So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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