I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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