My boss' voice literally gives me gas
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
