I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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