I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
