why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
