I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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