the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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