News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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