My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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