I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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