don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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