she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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