The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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