someone threw a dead crab at me
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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