Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
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I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
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They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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