The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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