At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
