if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
