There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
