Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Randomize
