Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
