i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
