Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
