if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
