I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
