my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
