I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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