I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
