all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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