Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
