I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
