Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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