there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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