I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
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You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
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I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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