i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My bed smells like the plague
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
