I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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