glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
