proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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