A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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