I wish they made helmets for livers.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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