Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
