his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
